I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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