i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
