What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
