I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize