I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
