I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
