and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
