Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sorry about my life...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
