shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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