I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
