There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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