This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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