Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
