Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
