Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
