im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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