Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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