I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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