Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
