i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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