are you so shy because you have an std?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
