So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
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The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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