A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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