This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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