wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
