We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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