I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
