Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
