I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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