if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
