I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
