Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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