I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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