R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
