tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
