My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
