my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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