I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
