i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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