At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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