Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
