the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
