My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
