grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
