the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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