thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
