I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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