Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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