New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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