aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm at about main and main street
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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