Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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