i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
As shirtless as possible
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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