I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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