I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
