He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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