He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
